My World Came Crashing Down

Since I started speaking publicly about our family’s experience, I’ve met so many wonderful people in person, through emails, over the phone, and on social media sites. One particular email moved me to tears. It is from a young lady named Claire who is battling addiction. She so eloquently tells her story about the struggles of being an opiate addict and trying to get help in an underfunded system. Her story is representative of so many people needing treatment.

Her name and some details have been changed to protect her identify. I have permission to share this with you as she wants to help in this fight too.

WARNING: The first email will move you to tears. Her follow up email is heartbreaking.

Dear Rose

I have been reading your articles and I am truly inspired by your courage to come out and tell the Island about your struggles.  My name is Claire, I am 22 years old and I am an opiate addict. My addiction started about 3 years ago and since then everything in my life has deteriorated. I have been to jail, I am on probation, I almost lost my life in a car accident, I have lost jobs, I have lost friends, and I have a lost myself.

I have been desperately trying to get help for sometime now. I have been to detox 6 times this year and began (but didn't complete) the Strength program twice. I have come to realize my only way out of this addiction is to be inducted onto the Methadone program and I am currently attending a readiness program. I have completed the required amount of meetings and I have to wait until a spot opens but that could be months away. I don't know how much longer I can wait. It's so hard living everyday wondering how you will get your next pill. I have a child and because of my addiction I have to have supervised visits.

I want you to know that it's people like you that give me the strength to share my story and reach out for help. Thank- you for everything you have done to help us suffering addicts. I want my story to be told so I can help someone like you, who has helped me. I want the media and government to realize how much of an epidemic this problem really is. I want more resources and more programs made available to addicts in need, and I am hoping by me sharing my story, it will make even a small difference. It is my generation that is sick and my generation’s responsibility to speak up and make a difference, one story at a time. My story isn't over yet but hopefully it will be soon.

I promise you that once I am better I won't just move on and forget. I will help fight this battle and help make a change so another addict doesn't have to wait or be denied treatment like I have been.

Once again, thank-you.

Yours truly, Claire

Here is Claire’s follow up email that came two weeks later:

Hey Rose,

Sorry for taking so long to get a hold of you. I wanted to tell you that I have completed and accomplished all the meetings and requirements requested for the Methadone readiness program. At my last meeting I was told that my name would be brought forward at the next meeting on Friday, April 26^th. I thought it would be the end to my terrible way of living. I was so relieved and proud of myself for not giving up. Due to a staff shortage, there are no more meetings.

Today, I called someone at Mount Herbert to ask her how the meeting went on the 26^th and to find out if I was accepted into the Methadone program. Well her response was anything but positive. She informed me she has no idea what will happen with me or my group. My name was brought up but, unfortunately, they do not have the funds and amount of staff necessary to have anyone inducted onto Methadone this month. My world came crashing down in front of me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

What is wrong with the government? Even though I did the work, showed the motivation, put in the time, met all the requirements they asked of me, and now, after all that I was told, they can't afford to do what they promised me from the beginning. I don't know what I am going to do now. I don't even have meetings anymore that I can attend. This problem at Mount Herbert needs to be addressed because, for those people on the Island struggling with addiction, Mount Herbert is our only source of help and tools for recovery.

I want to help anyway I can, Rose. You can share my story with people so we can start to make awareness. Thank you so much for your support.

Thank you!

Claire

Pray for Me

Son:   “Pray for me”

Me:    “I always do” 

This is the exchange I had with my son last night as he was preparing to go to detox today. This is the first time he’s asked me to pray for him. The meaning of that is significant. He wants help. He needs help. He deserves help.

The prayer he asked for was that he would receive some type of treatment right away so that he can get his life back. He knows that there are wait times for the Strength program, and waiting lists for everything else. Even though the odds are greatly stacked against him, he feels in his heart that it will be different this time. That he will be offered something. I asked him why he felt that way. He said that he doesn’t know why. He just does. Dear God, I pray that he is right.

I believe in the power of prayer. My faith is what keeps me going in this difficult journey of addiction. If you could include my son in your prayers today, I would appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Rose

To my addicted child on Mother's Day

 

You are that little baby I lovingly carried for nine months,

That little child who was so kind, caring, and sweet,

That beautiful youth with so much potential and promise,

Those were wonderful years that made being a mom so easy.

Now, you are lost to an addiction that many don’t understand,

While they don’t see the love and promise you have inside of you, I do,

I loved you at every stage,

And I’ll continue to love you at every age,

I don’t know why we were given the experience of so much pain,

But I’ll stand by you in the sunshine and the rain,

As I look around me on this Mother’s Day,

Seeing other moms enjoying the fruits of their labour,

With children who are now independent and living a good life,

It makes my heart ache because that should be us,

It just seems so unfair when I love you so much,

However, I realize that we are on a different journey than other families are,

But, when we come through it, we will be even stronger,

I am proud to be your mother because I know your heart is good,

I look forward to the day when you find your way back,

And we are living life as we should.

-         

                                          ~ Rose Barbour

Personal note to all of my children:  I will ALWAYS love you and am so proud to be called your mom.

Tough Questions

I am delighted that the voices of addicts and their families are finally being heard. After years of fighting with addictions services for treatment for our loved ones; desperately sharing publicly our frustrations with the lack of treatment; and begging the government to listen, we are getting a response.

During these years of fighting for help for our loved ones….

Some of us buried our children.

Some addicts received criminal records that will follow them for the rest of their lives.

Others developed life-long health problems as a result of years of using.

I could add more examples of the high human cost of leaving addiction untreated for so long, but I won’t. These things cannot be undone but they can be prevented from happening to so many others.

To be fair, PEI is not the only province that waited this long to take action on the prescribing of opiates. However, we are the only one without a residential treatment centre for those who do become addicted.

It is well known that the longer one uses, the harder it is to get clean. Treatment has to be immediately available in order to have the best outcomes possible.  To do this, we need a residential treatment centre right here on PEI. We need it TODAY!

As we look to fix this huge problem, I have some difficult questions to ask because I think they are important in the face of an epidemic that we are looking to solve:

1.      Who is responsible for this situation with addictions reaching an epidemic level? This epidemic did not happen overnight. During a public forum in 2007, there was a discussion on the rising use of opiates among our Island youth.  Why did it take six years to address this issue?

2.      Why didn't Health PEI (and its predecessor) raise awareness of this issue a long time ago? Mt. Herbert has access to all the data on their patients, including ages, drugs of choice, and sheer volume of people needing the services.  Why were the alarm bells not sounded much sooner than this?

3.      If Health PEI was raising alarm bells, why did government not take immediate action to fix the problem? Furthermore, why was the public not informed like they would be for any serious health issue like Sars or Swine Flu? Why did so many people have to get sick first with this horrible disease? Why didn’t we try to protect our youth with more prevention programs?  Why were notices not sent to parents notifying them that there was a new type of drug (opiate) in town and our kids were seeking them out?

4.      Families and addicts have been saying for many years that the treatment being offered was inadequate. In the face of stigma, we shared our stories in the media because we were so desperate to find help for our addicted loved ones. Why was this important feedback from patients and their families not taken seriously?  When you want to know how well you are doing, you ask the people who use your services. It is that simple!

5.      If Health PEI, in consultation with the management on the ground at addiction services, failed to identify this crisis for what it was, should the same people be responsible for implementing the solution and creating new programs?  If they did identify the crisis but the government did not respond, then we need a stronger voice to stand up for the patients.

6.      Should we ask our addictions expert, Dr. Denise Lea, to take on a management role and lead the changes that need to happen within addiction services? Perhaps she might be enticed to stay if she felt she had some control over the situation. I’ve worked with Dr. Lea on different addiction-related projects and she has the passion and knowledge to get the job done with the proper investment from government.

This post is not meant to offend. It is meant to start an important conversation that will lead to real answers and real change for our neighbours and families battling addiction.

Sincerely,

Rose

Gratitude

My heart is full of gratitude tonight as I write this blog entry. Thank you to Health Minister Doug Currie, Opposition Leader Steven Myers, NDP Leader Mike Redmond, MLA Richard Brown and everyone else who came to the Guild tonight for the premiere of the Boys and Girls Club’s video called “Innocence Lost: Stories of Youth Addiction on PEI”. 

Having such a full house meant so much to me and the other folks in the room who are also battling this disease in one way or another. I know I speak for them when I say that we feel like our cries are finally being heard. Thank you!

I could hardly control my emotions tonight, and I was not alone. Not only was the video very powerful, your presence was too. Thank you for caring.

Thank you to everyone who has contributed in some way (media, politicians, social media users, etc.) to keeping the conversation going. Our addicted youth deserve nothing less than a chance to overcome this terrible disease that is robbing them of life. 

Thank you to the youth and families who shared their stories and to Jessica MacKenzie and the amazing group at the Boys and Girls Club for producing the video and to Health PEI for funding it. Thank you also to Lowell Productions for weaving the stories together so beautifully.

I will end this blog with my favorite poem, which really highlights the power of addiction:

PILLS

I destroy homes, tear families apart.

I take your children, and that's just the start.

I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold,

the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold

If you need me, remember I'm easily found.

I live all around you, in schools and in town.

I live with the rich, I live with the poor,

I live down the street, and maybe next door.

My power is awesome; try me you'll see,

but if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go,

but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.

You do what you have to just to get high.

The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms

will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.

You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.

When you see their tears, you should feel sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,

I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,

I turn people from god, and separate from friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,

I'll be with you always, right by your side.

You'll give up everything: your family, your home,

your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give.

When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me be warned this is no game.

If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind.

I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,

the voices you'll hear from inside your head,

the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see;

I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,

that you are mine, and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,

but you came to me, not I to you.

You knew this would happen. Many times you were told,

but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have said no, and just walked away,

If you could live that day over, now what would you say?

I'll be your master; you will be my slave, I'll even go with you,

when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me,

what will you do? Will you try me or not? It’s all up to you.

I can bring you more misery than words can tell.

Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell...